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added 01.17.2001
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Twenty Questions to Ask God
Here are just a few things I would really like to know from the Man himself
- You probably get asked this all the time, but what IS with the Duck-billed Platypus anyways?
- PMS...cruel joke, intentional, or do you just pawn that off to evolution and natural selection?
- Politicians and Lawyers...come on; the Devil came up with those two, right?
- Were there REALLY Ten Commandments or did some prehistoric politician (see #3) come up with some extras for his running ticket?
- Were there any mind-altering substances involved during the creation of certain species; namely Cows, Sea Cucumbers, and the aforementioned Duck-billed Platypus?
- Do the Angels put you up to some of these practical jokes? Poison Ivy, Brussel Sprouts, Julia Child, and the Catholic religion...to name only a few
- Did you clue Dolphins in on some secret joke about us, or what?
- The whole thing with the Devil really started over a dinner party, right? Spilt some Ambrosia did he?
- We really appreciate the warnings you give us from time to time (earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, Little Richard and Richard Simmons), but did we really need the Republicans?
- Was Jesus angry with you around his 30th birthday? Does he still hold a grudge?
- The whole thing with the Holy Ghost, you and Jesus being the same entity is somewhat confusing for us tiny-brained species; but how the hell...er, is multiple personality disorder something planned, or again is that all over on Natural Selection/Evolution?
- Is George W. Bush really as cross-eyed, inept and brain-dead as he looks? I mean, no offense to your creation abilities, but he looks like a muppet on crack (no offense Henson)
- If we all have guardian angels, are they secretly recording all of this and does that mean that we are some kind of sitcom that you guys sit around and laugh your celestial asses off up in heaven?
- Taxes...what, did you and the Devil have an arm-wrestling match a few times where you lost often enough to give us these gems?
- Is the Hubble Space Telescope really taking those pictures, or are you guys screwing with the lenses again?
- I’m assuming, being up in Heaven and all, that you guys aren’t afraid of heights. Or is that the true origination of Lucifer himself, got dizzy, swooned and bam, he’s evil incarnate?
- When we get to heaven, will there be constant singing and bright lights? Because I have to tell you, I don’t really go for choir music and bright lights give me a headache...but we can negotiate
- Did you really give us men brains bigger than a dog’s so that we wouldn’t hump the legs of the women at cocktail parties?
- Who really got the whole idea about cooking an egg? Sick bastards...
- Is Earth really the waste-disposal center of the universe?
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