Have you ever seen one of those small aquariums? The kind where those laid back "special" people can put them in their office/cube at work? That's not normal, right? I mean, who feeds those poor fish and aquatic-type creatures over the weekend? Do they keep these aquariums at work just so that when they come in on Monday, all the little fishies are just dying to see them, staring intently through the glass, begging, neigh...crying out for the sheer need of food in their tiny little empty fish stomachs? Does this make the evil work-based fishtank overlord feel better about themselves? Does it fill an unending hole deep within their psyche, the need for dominance, the need to subjegate small fishy organisms?

I say to you, this is sick. Not normal. Weird, Not nice. Odd. Unless one is working at Microsoft.

The only viable solution I can come up with for this sick fascination of work-based aquariums is The Violent Aquarium. Do I really need to explain this?

Picture a miniaturization ray...

Picture predators...

Picture a small version of the Sarengetti...

Are you getting this yet?

That's right...you take that goddamn miniaturization ray, you shrink those goddamn predators down to manageable size, you shrink down some goddamn nice prey for them (antelope, bears, lawyers, the goddamn guy who picks his nose while you are at lunch, whatever), and you stick them in that Violent Aquarium and you let Nature work its goddamn will.

How could this be a bad idea? "I've got an aquarium at work, complete with bio-balls, it's even connected to my modem to let me know when the temperature changes or the food is low, or the fish are having strange sexual deviant fish-orgies." Loser.

I've got an aquarium where I can watch tiny lions kill tiny antelope. I even shrunk down some people I don't like and they are currently trying to survive in this little miniature hell. And all I gave them was a DVD of Survivor, but they have to build their own DVD player, TV, and figure out a power source. Fuck Gilligan. Currently they are spending too much time figuring out how to live without TV. And one of them keeps trying to have sex with a lioness.

Now, say I combine this with a webcam...that's right, I said it. Sure, I'll need to get a macro lense, but I'll be charging each of you bastards reading this money for each minute spent watching these tiny things kill other tiny things. And you will watch. You won't be able to turn away...carnage and death on a tiny scale...that is what the world has been waiting for.

The Discovery channel will give me billions.

And then I'll randomly drop in weird shit. Like a sloth....who hasn't been that miniaturized. I can get a sloth to kill a lion...wanna bet? Or how about a parakeet? Who has only been shrunken to 25% of normal size. He'll swoop over the tiny plains, surveying the tiny morsels to beak to death, letting out a peircing shrill cry that will send all in the realm running and screaming for their tiny lives.

No one can hear you scream when you are tiny.

(note to self: add tiny microphones to pick up the tiny sounds of tiny carnage. Charge non-tiny fee to webcam audience for access to tiny audio)

And then, at the next speech given by Bush...I just aim my little shrink ray and that crackhead, poof, tinybush. Capture that litle bastard as he whines at me in his high-pitched liliputian Texas drawl. And then he goes in The Violent Aquarium. WebCam fees triple overnight, as does the audience. 90% of the world (especially you Europeans) would beg for this service if The Shrub® was involved.

And then, to top it off....I get Osama. You heard me. It will be the greatest battle of all time when he and Bushy square off in the blazing noon-day sun of the VIolent Aquarium, shrunken down to the size it deserves. Okay, so maybe it won't exactly be the noon-day sun, maybe a neon office light. But I could just pop in a heat lamp and get the same effect. Plus the tinies will be sweating tiny bullets.

Now, for the details: The Miniaturization ray. Don't bog me down with technicalities. Let's put it in perspective, this is the one item that needs to be worked on in the entire plan. I mean, I can go visit zoos and randomly shrink animals down. The San Diego Animal Park is going to be out of business after 1 trip from me, since I will be able to escape that park with every single one of those animals in a coffee can.